Ha ha, funny

[dorinda]

You know, it always seems to be a boy and a girl, or a man and a woman. And the boy is "pretending" he's about to shove the girl onto the train tracks, or into heavy traffic, or off the bridge. And the girl is screaming and scream-laughing and trying to hold onto him, while he muscles her around, lifting and pushing and ha ha ha pulling her back just in time.

And you know, I don't find it a funny joke. Not one bit.

I don't think it's a coincidence that (at least the literally dozens if not hundred times I've seen it in my life) it's always the boy "pretending" he's going to kill her, and the girl screaming in fright while also being forced to laugh at oh how funny he's being as he shows her how he could kill her.

(Brought to you by seeing yet another instance of this today. It went on longer than usual, in a crowded Metro station, to the point where I was starting to weave through the crowd toward them, planning to play the Grouchy Scolding Middle-Aged Lady card. It stopped, and the train arrived, but it's been bothering me ever since. It always leaves me unhappy and kind of ill. It's just such a goddamn microcosm.)

Comments

[klia]

That kind of "horseplay" is really, really not funny.

And it feels a lot like those old chestnuts, 'He kicks/hits/pushes you down/pulls your hair because he likes you (really, your addled brain thought she enjoyed that?)' and my personal favorite, 'Why don't you think it's hilarious that he held your head underwater until you almost drowned? You have no sense of humor!'

Because male aggression is such a hoot.

I've also gotten really shirty about people who get off on scaring others. I occasionally watch Ellen DeGeneres's show for a particular guest, and she totally loves scaring guests, especially ones she knows are phobic. It's really changed how I feel about her. Jokes are one thing, but I'd say she has a real sadistic streak. (Google 'ellen scares' and you'll see what I mean.)

[dorinda]

Recently I saw a gifset of a Jessica Williams segment from The Daily Show, tackling that question of (supposed) positive intent in male dominance displays:

http://www.bustle.com/articles/38418-jessica-williams-destroys-nice-cat-calling-on-the-daily-show-because-intent-doesnt-matter

Which also goes for the idea that "he only [harasses you] because he liiiiikes yoooou", or "he's only kidding when he pretends to kill you". Hiding hatred and dominance behind a supposedly-positive intent. And then these same dudes go, "But she smiled at me, which proves she liked it!" Which Jessica Williams demolishes ("those smiles don’t indicate a 90 percent success rate. It means that a woman is trying her best to end this interaction").

So when the girl being almost-shoved onto the train tracks is smiling/laughing through her screams, I'm sure the asshole shoving her is delighted to take that as a positive response, when instead it's so much more likely to be a desperate display of cooperation in order to end the encounter. "Ha ha, oh you!" Because then maybe he'll let go of you.

It's funny, R was just talking about something the other day I wasn't familiar with, and he paused to go, "It's like that Ellen-scare with so-and-so... You know, how Ellen scares people?" And I had never heard of it, so I just blinked at him and then said, "You mean middle America? I thought they'd gotten used to her by now. :D " So it looks like I've missed that whole thing, which frankly sounds like the best option for me.

[klia]

Jessica Williams is so awesome! I've been saying this for a freaking eternity, but WHY DOESN'T SHE HAVE HER OWN SHOW YET?! (Yeah, I know the answer. *sigh*)

She's right, though. We all have our ways of coping with males attempting aggression/dominance over us. Most women coped by going along with the "joke."

I always ignored them, keeping my face totally blank, like I didn't hear or didn't speak the language (I used to always have my nose in a book, which made it easier). And when I was a kid, if a guy kicked/grabbed/hit me to get my attention, I'd kick him in the shin as hard as I could (which was what my mom told me to do) and walk away.

Heh. No, not that kind of scare. And it really, really bothers me, when people respond to Ellen's 'scares' by saying stuff like, when Eric Stonestreet (whom she's scared, IIRC, 4 times, now) threatens to never go on her show again, you know she's doing something right. Which -- fuck anyone who thinks that.

[laurajv]

haha oh man you should see how boys react when they do that to you and you yell things like DO NOT EVER DO THAT AGAIN with evident anger and stomp off! "you can't take a joke! i was just JOKING!"

you're right, boys! I am humorless and you are so hilarious, boys!

[dorinda]

Oh yes. It reminds me of catcalling, in fact. Responding with anything but smiles/laughter/cooperation gets you punished... basically, a clear statement of "You are required to cooperate while I demonstrate dominance over you, and if you don't, you are the problem."

Thank you for this.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm so very grateful you posted this. I read it when you first posted it, and it really resonated with me. Today, I shared it with a friend of mine who was raped as a child and was just triggered by the sight of three six-year-olds playing, two boys pinning a girl against a wall by the arms and the girl screaming and struggling and all of them laughing. I told her she wasn't overreacting (which she said), that kids act out societal BS and take their cues from adults. By way of explanation, I linked her to this page and she immediately recognized it and felt calmer. So, thanks. Truly.
...LJ is malfunctioning, so I'm sarahenany from LJ.

Re: Thank you for this.

[dorinda]

I'm really glad it helped your friend! Though of course I hate how recognizable a cultural pattern it is, and how it's left its mark on so many people, including her.

[the_shoshanna]

Oh god yes. ARGH. You identify and describe this really well.

Also, coincidentally, I read this blog post the same day, which I think is talking about much the same thing, only at its inception.

[dorinda]

Yeah, that rings a bell. "Hee hee, that's so sweet and funny," they say at age two, or five. Or fifteen, pretending to push a girl into traffic. Or twenty-five, grabbing her and almost tossing her onto the tracks. How and when is someone (especially a male someone whose violation of women's boundaries is most likely to only ever be reinforced or at worst ignored) supposed to learn about other people's bodily autonomy and right to consent? By magic?

[elements]

Good lord, how not-OK. I would have been shaking just to be there seeing it.

[dorinda]

It's always so troubling. Especially because of the "HAHAHA WE'RE KIDDING AROUND!" aura around it, which makes it very hard to actually imagine stepping in or otherwise interfering.